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I am so blessed to live in a dispensation where we have such inspired leadership. I have to say that I love Neal A. Maxwell, everything that comes out of his mouth is like the light of Christ itself to me. I read his talk Women of God almost every day. I want to name my 1st son after him. We’ll call him A.

I want to talk to you ladies about something that has come up a lot recently with the whole brouhaha over women’s rights in the political race right now. Sometimes I turn on the TV and see a young, intelligent, beautiful woman (around my age) out on her own supporting herself. She went to college and got a great job and lives in her own apartment with her own little dog and is financially independent. She does what she wants, when she wants. She loves who she wants in whatever way she wants with complete sexual and intellectual freedom. She doesn’t need religion in her life to tell her what to do. She is completely and utterly free. And I just shudder as I feel the spirit leave the room.

Nothing makes the spirit high tail it out quicker than stumbling upon an article on Jezebel (like this one “Lowered Age Requirement Allows Mormon Girls to Dump Boyfriends and Peace Out on Missions“) Or this PSA on how Brother Romney is trying to “turn back the clock on women”/take away women’s rights/ keep women from having basic control over their own bodies. Nothing. Except maybe RuPaul.

Neal A. Maxwell said it so eloquently:

I thank the Father that His Only Begotten Son did not say in defiant protest at Calvary, “My body is my own!” I stand in admiration of women today who resist the fashion of abortion, by refusing to make the sacred womb a tomb!

This abortion thing is just a passing fashion! Like those ugly drop-bottom pants or stretchy sweater-shirts. The women who advocate for this want you to think that being independent socially, economically, and intellectually is what will bring you true happiness. My sisters: this is not what Heavenly Father wants for us! His inspired male leaders have told us time and time again that this is not his plan. This will not lead us to TRUE HAPPINESS. We must not place “self” in front of words like “fulfillment” with such reckless abandon!

This is the real reason that women do not have the priesthood: we don’t know what is good for us. I know I don’t. How many times have I bought that cute top/dress/shoes only to realize later that Brother Bobister didn’t like it on me? That moment when his face turns down, I can just feel the spirit jetting out of the room. And nothing destroys happiness like the loss of the spirit. Sisters, I know sometimes we think we know what we want, but really we need men to tell us what makes us happy. Specifically geriatric, conservative, close-minded men who have been hand-picked by the Lord, Jesus, and Joseph Smith himself. Brother Maxwell says it best:

We are accustomed to focusing on the men of God because theirs is the priesthood and leadership line. But paralleling that authority line is a stream of righteous influence reflecting the remarkable women of God…We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us…The charity of good women is such that their “love makes no parade”; they are not glad “when others go wrong”; they are too busy serving to sit statusfully about, waiting to be offended…

We are too busy serving the men in our life just as President Monson is busy serving his boss Jesus. We know that he meets with him regularly in the temple to gain advice on how to lead us in this dispensation. There is a reason he appointed a CEO! If he can run a multi-billion dollar corporation, he can lead his flock to righteousness.

He knows what he is talking about, and he would not lead us astray; however, our feelings, our wants, and our desire do lead us astray. We can’t possibly know what we really want because Satan is always there whispering to us trying to get us away from the path back to our Heavenly Father. Again dear Brother Neal (Can I call you Neal?) informs us:

In our modern kingdom, it is no accident that women were, through the Relief Society, assigned compassionate service. So often the service of women seems instinctive, while that of some men seems more labored. It is precisely because the daughters of Zion are so uncommon that the adversary will not leave them alone.

Because we are so righteous, Satan just can’t help but try to corrupt us. Any thoughts that we have that do not line up with what the Church tells us, we know are Satan’s doing because the Church tells us so. M. Russel Ballard, of the Quorum of the Twelve, has told us in his talk “O That Cunning Plan of the Evil One” that:

Satan knows how to exploit and ensnare us with artificial substances and behaviors of temporary pleasure.

Coffee is the gateway drug to Satan. What are career women obsessed with? Starbucks and their oh-so-addicting Frappucinos! We  must be careful sisters of partaking of anything that gives us pleasure outside of reading our scriptures, praying, attending church, raising children within a temple marriage, because one false sip and bam! You could be on a one-way ticket to  this is the lure of Satan. It’s much safer to stay within the confines of what we know is safe. And besides, a career may be fun, be we both know that you can’t possible raise kids and have a career at the same time. That’s why men have the careers and women raise the kids. Heavenly Father has told us that we are separate but equal. And besides, will a career ultimately fulfill you? I think not because it is temporary. It will end with this life, but Gospel Principles are eternal.

When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlastingfamily will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.

Neal! I want to have your eternal spirit children! Alas, I’m already sealed to my dear eternal companion Brother Bobister. I take comfort in knowing that all of us sisters who are perfect LDS women will be eternally progressing through our divine roles cooking, cleaning, and nagging our husbands and bearing, birthing, and raising spirit children for eternity along with our other divine sister wives. What could be more fulfilling than that? We’ll be too busy to worry about temporary pleasures such as the excitement a life-long dream coming to fruition of becoming a Daily Show correspondant with the power to make millions of people laugh and enjoying tasty craft services backstage while we get pampered by hair and make-up people.

No, what will make us truly happy is what my dear Nealy Neal Snuggly Wuggly Bear said:

We salute you, sisters, for the joy that is yours as you rejoice in a baby’s first smile and as you listen with eager ear to a child’s first day at school which bespeaks a special selflessness. Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.

Let’s seal the deal Neal! I know today wouldn’t be passing me by if you were holding me tightly in your arms. Anyway, Sisters: God wants us to be wives and mothers in Zion. Listen to his call! Come home from your typewriters (why would you even be using one of those old fashion things anyway?) and get yourself a man and some babies. Stop wasting your life pursuing your dreams, you’re not too old. If you start right now, you could have at least seven kids in the next ten years. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.